Two Hours.

Who knew the question “tell me a little bit about yourself” could be so difficult?  I found this out on Monday. Mainly because I couldn’t come up with a reasonable answer that didn’t involve work or my family.

In my early twenties, I did what I wanted.  I moved where I wanted to and when I wanted to.  I went out when I wanted (which was often), I ate what I wanted and I spent money as though I had an in at the Treasury.  My personal life was selfish- but it didn’t need to be any other way.  I needed to get a lot of that out of my system.  It was such a valuable and necessary part of my life.  I discovered my love for so many things during this time in my life.  I had a job that required hard work but surrounded me with good people who taught me a lot and allowed me to live to the fullest.

When I met Matt I was at a really peaceful place in my life.  I had decided to stop looking for someone to date and just focus on myself.  I was happy.  This allowed me to be open to loving and accepting Matt.  I accepted myself and my sense of place.  I didn’t need Matt, I wanted to include Matt in my life.  He was a partner, not a crutch.  The peace that I felt when I spent time with Matt helped me to be present in building the solid relationship that we have.  Matt has always had a strong sense of who he is and has always had a happy go lucky, “let’s have a good time” attitude. 

As Matt and I started growing closer, we also started doing more together, which meant less individual activities.  Matt is hands down my favorite person in the whole world to hang out with but we got in the habit of doing most things together.  This, my friends, is where I slowly started to lose my sense of self.  I didn’t really feel like I was losing anything because I was gaining so much from my relationship.  You see, Matt has always supported every idea, decision and activity I have ever had or wanted.  He even plays along with my super crazy ones.  Overtime, I simply stopped coming up with ideas of things to do for myself.  It’s not because of Matt; it’s been through my own collective and unintentional choices. 

Becoming a mama has been one of the most rewarding and scary experiences of my life.  I take it seriously.  I’ve got two beautiful and kind hearted little girls looking to me for love, validation, guidance and security.  That’s a big deal. 

NEWS FLASH: I need to provide these things for myself as well.  If I allow myself to validate my own needs and wants then I am modeling a behavior that I hope to instill in these girls.  I need to allow myself to take guilt free time to myself and actually enjoy it.  I need to let go of the “I better hurry home” notion and allow myself to linger because I want to.  I need to feel more in control of my time which will in turn give me the freedom to choose activities that I want to do. 

Baby steps.

I have a schedule. Daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.  I am sufficiently scheduled.  Trouble is, there is very little time blocked off for me.  Just me.  The time has come to rewrite this schedule of mine and make time for myself. 

Let’s start small. 

Two hours next week will be all mine. 

Like the ice cream sandwich as the end of dinner, it will give me a little something to look forward to.  It will be a dash of something different that my week needs.  It’s time for me to be okay with investing in myself again.  Let’s see what my thirty something self is capable of…     

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