Leap.

Gotta empty this head of mine.  It is full.  Trying to find a direction for my life these days.  I feel stuck.  I feel like options for my days are slim.  I am on a cycle of repeat that makes me crazy.  Yet there are little pieces of my day that I love.  I hafta sort this out.  Need more pieces of my days that I love.  Am I the one preventing change in my life?  Let’s review:

5:40am- Get ready for work in the EXACT same order every day all the while wishing that I had more time to do my hair differently… wishing I had more money to have nicer clothes… wishing I had more energy to work out {still look about 4 months preggo}.  Don’t get to see the girls most mornings before I leave.  Kills me.

6:30am- Drive 30 minutes to work.  This is a piece of my day that I love.  Music.  Takes my mind off leaving my family every day.  Drink my “candy coffee” and think about all the things I would rather be doing with my life.  Trying to think of something I can invent… trying to think of a product I can develop… trying to think of a story line for a children’s book…. there must be something else I can do in this lifetime that feels better.  Something that will give me more time with the people I love.

7:00am- Arrive at a job that’s lost it’s spark for me.  It’s no one’s fault, our relationship just isn’t meeting my needs.  I need to break up with my job.  I’ve been there for 4.5 years and it’s getting rough.  Problem is the pay is great and benefits are top notch.  I’m so bored.  Everything about this place makes me crazy.  I just don’t care.  For nine hours I sit in a place that I feel like I have been sentenced to.  {I know I should say that I’m grateful for a job and I am doing this for my family.}  Let’s be real here people.  I am not grateful for this place.  It’s actually creating quite the conudrum in my life.  {I need it, I don’t want it}.

4:00pm- Drive home full of happiness.  Love the radio show I listen to and know that I get to see my family soon.  Wishing I had the motivation to follow through with all the fabulous things I dreamed of on the way to work.  My job has literally sucked the life out of me.   Know that I should have gone to the gym but I already feel guilty for being gone so long.  Need to just get home.

4:45pm- Arrive home to a worn out husband {Matt}, a very excited 2 year old {Lyla} and a 4 month old {Savannah} I barely know.  Lyla is all over the place- kind of like how she gets when a visitor comes to the house- she is doing anything she can to get my attention.  Matt is craving adult conversation.  I am craving 3 minutes to sit and be alone…to recharge for a moment…not happening today….actually, not really any day.  Still trying to figure out if Savannah even knows I’m her mom.  I seriously see her an hour and a half a day at most.  If I focus on that it makes me feel even worse about my already questionable day.  Can’t focus on that right now.  Must give the last drops of energy to the people I love.  Bath time, video time and reading time with Lyla.  Three of my favorite activities.

7:00pm- Bed time for Lyla.  Lyla’s list of needs before bedtime is rapidly growing.  I work to be a patient loving mama with her.  She sees so little of me.  I constantly worry about and dissect my actions with her.  Am I being fair?  Am I hindering creativity?  Am I present with her?  Will she remember these days fondly?  Did I make the most of the little time I have with her?

8:00pm- Dinner.  Wish I had time to research more on how to change the family diet.  Wish my refrigerator was full of delicious local food.  {I can’t find the time for the life I want}  I have a million projects I want to do.  {Maybe I’m not trying hard enough and need to stop making excuses}.

11:00pm- Exhausted from the day and aware of the repeat cycle of it all.  By the standards of many, we are doing good- we make good money, have two beautiful healthy girls, Matt and I are in a loving and committed relationship, we own a home… but by my standards we are lost at sea.  The puzzle pieces aren’t fitting together.  My standards aren’t high- I just feel like I have been placed in the wrong habitat at the zoo.

I think I am preventing the life I want from happening.  I need to make the life that I want to live a priority.  Radical change can produce radical results.  I have always loved to shake things up.  I used to flip a quarter to determine where I would move next.  I have trust in that system.  Life is a series of paths and I have never worried about meandering through them.  I think having Lyla and Savannah made me scared to be daring, to make change, to throw a little caution to the wind and be adventurous.  I have come to realize though that if I stay where I think it’s safe, it will actually be the unhealthiest thing I can do for the family.  It’s time to make the life I want to live.  The question is how????

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